Well my little man is sick again. It started last weekend with him not sleeping very well and having a lot of desats. Sunday night we started him on oxygen which seemed to help so I figured he was just needing some extra support. It wasn’t really until Wednesday that he started with the coughing, going off colour a lot more and just not being himself. When he got up that morning he was not looking well at all. Daddy cuddled with him on the couch and when I happened to come in the room after about fifteen minutes and look over at A he just looked BAD. I went upstairs to get his monitor and he had very low sats that would not come above 60. I got the nasal prongs out and put him on oxygen and that really helped him. I called his doctor here in town but they could not see him until yesterday.
Grandma and I took him in for 1pm and A did not want to be there. He was also tired as I had just woke him up before we left. He was going off colour and the doctor did not like what he was seeing. I have to add that this doctor has seen A go off colour MANY times and never ONCE has he been concerned like he was yesterday. I really think that he received a letter from Sick Kids about how we were treated the last time that we were in Guelph emergency.
Anyways, he told me that he wanted me to take A to Toronto or to Hamilton emerg and have him seen there. I started crying of course because I absolutely HATE hospitals and it just was the last thing that I wanted to deal with. It breaks my heart every time that we go there and they have to poke and poke him for IVs. He suffers SO much and there are times where I really just can’t do it to him.
Anyways, we ended up leaving the doctors with a note that I was to give to the emerg doctor telling him about what he saw while we were there. I was very upset because it is always the same old thing when we go. People rush around like mad when they see A’s oxygen sats but as soon as they hear that he has a history of them it is like they don’t give a crap. Very frustrating as a mom but I cannot lie to them as all of these hospitals have record of A.
We came home and I called his team at Toronto Sick Kids. The NP that I deal with did not feel that A was at the point of needing admitting. We had put on his Wonder Pets for him and he was only on half a litre satting 100. He was smiling and just not seeming sick enough for me to want to deal with emerg doctors on a long weekend. After speaking to her I decided that I was just going to keep him home.
We had a nurse on last night and she said that A had a pretty good night. He was restless between 3-6am but other than that he was satting well and sleeping well.
I have had to do some suctioning and for once in my life I am actually getting things up and out of there! Makes it much easier for me to do it knowing that I am helping him.
Today he woke up not so happy and I thought we would be heading into emerg today but once I got him dressed and settled he was fine. We went for a nice long walk and he went down for a nap at 3pm and is still sleeping soundly now at 5:30pm. I have the compressor on with a mask near his face and he has not dipped below 90 once.
I just hope and pray that things get better for him before they get worse. I don’t know why on Earth he keeps getting sick so much this year. It is the crappiest year of my life EVER! He has only been home now for just over three weeks from his last ordeal and I really don’t know if I can handle being in there again so soon. I keep wondering when we are going to catch a break around here and have good things happen?
In other A news, we started speech therapy on Tuesday. He will go every Tuesday for eight weeks to start off. It was interesting but I really do wonder how speech therapy works with a child that is non verbal and very stubborn?! We’ll just have to see how it goes.
These were taken March 25th…I had been feeding him and his extension came undone so the food went everywhere!
Look at what he did with physio last week!!!!! First time EVER!!!!!!!!!
Is he not just amazing?!?!?!?!?!
I have been getting a lot of emails from people all over the Internet asking how I am doing since losing H. It was two weeks ago tonight that I went into labor with him. I can hardly believe that fourteen days have gone by. There are times when I am so heartbroken and just cry and cry. And then there are other times that I just feel like everything wasn’t even real. I just wish I knew WHY it happened.
I have been doing pretty well though I think this past week. I have started a blog for Hunter, more of a diary for me to write my thoughts and feelings. I have always been a big person for writing a journal and I think this has really helped me already in dealing with my grief. It helps to get it out. It is a private blog that only I can get into right now but in time I may open it up to some of you that would really like to read it. Let me know if you are interested.
I have also contacted my social worker that I have dealt with on and off since A came home from the NICU. She will be coming next week to talk. She is a wonderful lady and it really helps me to talk to her. I have not seen her since before our wedding so there are a lot of things to talk about.
I also wanted to say thanks to those moms in my Internet world that have been there for me and talked very openly with me about losing their babies. It always helps to talk to others that have been through it. Makes you understand that you are not the only one. That you are not to blame. You guys know who you are!!!! Huge hugs to all of you!!!
Another thing. People seem to be so afraid of asking me how I am when they see me. Afraid of saying anything really. Do NOT be afraid. I want to talk about H. I want to remember him. When people “ignore” asking me anything I feel like he didn’t matter. I know that is not what people intend at all but it hurts me more to hear nothing than to hear something else.
I don’t want to hear that God wanted it this way. I don’t want to hear that it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t want to hear that God doesn’t give me more than I can handle. I don’t want to hear that he is in a better place. I don’t want to hear that I am young and still have lots of time to have babies. I don’t want to hear that I can always adopt. I don’t want to hear that we are supposed to have an angel. These are all things I have heard yes. And honestly it drives me mad.
Actually, this makes me think of a poem I read on the Internet. Here it is:
Don’t Tell Me
Please don’t tell me you know how I feel, unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal, because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place, though it is true, I want him here with me,
Please don’t tell me someday I’ll see his face, beyond today I cannot see,
Please don’t tell me it is time to move on, because I will never be there same,
Please don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone, because denial is something I cannot stop,
Please don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I even had, because I wanted more,
Please don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me, that you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my thoughts, you can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name, because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I will never be the same, but if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Well it was one year ago today that grandma, A and I headed to Toronto Sick Kids for his sleep study and ended up admitted. I can’t believe how fast time goes and that it has already been a full year! It feels like yesterday that we were there.
In great news, A’s dietitian was here yesterday and he has gained TWO pounds in just under a month!!!!!!! He has not gained ANY weight in 13months so this is awesome. Nothing has changed except for the type of formula that he is on (we recently switched to Peptamen Jr) hoping that it would help with his emptying and possibly help him with sleeping. Peptamen is much more broken down than the Nutren Jr he has been on. So we are thinking that his body his metabolizing this new stuff MUCH better and letting him gain weight. We will have another weigh in, in three weeks time to see what it is like then.
A’s sleep has been improved this week which I shouldn’t mention because I always seem to jinx myself, but I am hoping that this will continue. I’ll tell you, ever since November it has been a nightmare and can’t be healthy for him nor for I!
This week we have also noticed a LOT more gagging with him. I am not too sure what this is from, but yesterday it was pretty constant and frustrating. Last night at 6:30pm he also had one of his new big spells that he has not had since my birthday on December 12th. They are so scary and I just wish that someone would figure out what on earth is going on with him when he does these.
As for some better news, A continues with his constant babbling. It is SO cute and daddy and I just laugh all the time at him because it is like he really thinks that he is talking. There are definitely new sounds that we are hearing and this is so exciting. Last night it sounded like he was saying “I could”. We are also hearing “b”, “d” and “n” sounds. And actually today is his 18month hearing age so we are hoping for more from him down the road. Like mama!
Understanding. It is really starting to show. Last night he was laying on the floor and daddy was on the couch. I would say “where is daddy?” and he would turn to look and smile. Then I would say “where is hockey?” and he would look at the TV. I kept going and he was just turning back and forth constantly!
As well when someone comes into the house he immediately starts babbling on and on and gets very excited. Yesterday he was doing some OT with his therapist (sitting) and grandma walked in. Well he immediately started babbling and smiling. I really think he is starting to recognize WHO people are.
This kid LOVES hockey. It doesn’t even matter what team is playing, if he sees it on the TV then he wants to watch it. If you are changing the channels and you put it on a hockey game and then change it again, he will complain until you put it back. It is very cute. Well most of the time! haha Gets a bit frustrating when you want to watch a show but he does NOT want to. Seems that he is getting his way VERY much lately! Who wouldn’t give this adorable guy his own way though????
In my last bit of exciting news!!!
Yes, we are pregnant again! This came as a HUGE shock to both of us but we are thrilled now that things have settled in. As you all know, I had a miscarriage on November 18th at about 5.5weeks. Well around Christmas I started to wonder why I had not gotten a period yet. Thought nothing much of it though but it was in the back of my mind. Pregnancy by the way was the LAST thing I was thinking! haha Aunt K had even asked me on Boxing Day if I could be pregnant and I said “no way!” Well December 30th I did a pregnancy test just for the heck of it and sure enough it was positive. Had NO IDEA how far along or anything. Especially since we had decided we were going to wait until after my brother and his fiance get married in May.
So I go to my doctor yesterday. He tells me that it is probably very unlikely that I am pregnant and that the positive result could be meaning that I had some tissue left over from the miscarriage. He said that you usually do not get pregnant IMMEDIATELY after a miscarriage. Well I told him that if I wasn’t then something was wrong because I have been very nauseous this week. So he sends me downstairs for blood work to check my HCG levels and tells me he will call me Monday.
Well I get a call this morning from him. My levels are 56,000!!! He said that puts me about six weeks. So I go for an ultrasound today at 2pm. Well I am 7 weeks and 3 days! We got to see the little peanut and its heart rate was 148. Very cool! So my due date is August 25th….lets pray that this baby waits until August!!!!
Well first things first. On Thursday I went out for a bit while grandma was here with A. When I came home she was very excited to tell me that A said TRUCK twice!!! She said she was SO excited and ready to cry hoping I would come in the door that minute. She was playing with a truck and just kept saying it over and over and then boom he said it!
Well last night I was sitting on the couch holding him and he was very focused on me. I kept saying CAR and he was really really watching my mouth. Then he said it!!! Probably about six times in a span of five minutes! J was sitting next to me and it was so amazing to hear him finally say something that you KNOW is purposeful!!!!
And my last bit of excited news, is that A slept in his big boy bed last night for the first time. He was VERY excited when we laid him down at 11:30pm and I didn’t think he would go to sleep but he did. I thought that I was going to cry as this is a HUGE step!!
Look at the head control!!!
Bonnie, his EI was here to help out by blowing bubbles during physio…
Using a joystick switch control for the first time and doing great! Of course it has to be a bubble blower! hahaha
A is his big boy bed for the first night! He looks SO small now!
Think he likes it?!? hahaha
Night night buddy!
And this morning I heard him moving around so I went in there with my camera and he was starring at the wall…
And then when he turned and saw me!
Way to go little man, mommy is SOOOOO proud of EVERYTHING that you do! You definitely are my amazing little man!
Well another busy week is over! Wednesday A had his PT and OT here together because we finally got him a benik to try. I have been asking about this for a long time but I find that sometimes people really haven’t done the research or learning on things that help kids. Anyways, his new OT happened to have one at home when I brought it up again last week so she brought it over. I wasn’t really able to see what he did for them with it on because his dietitian was here so we were chatting while they did his physio. However I did definitely notice some more stabilization of his trunk when I put it on him that afternoon. The only problem is, this kid is the hottest, sweatiest kid EVER that it just makes it ten times worse. He weighed in at 24lbs 7oz so up three ounces which is fine with me. I am so past the gain and gain idea because I have realized that if the child LOOKS healthy then they most likely are getting enough nutrition.
Here he was on the scale. Kind of funny that he was so happy as usually he goes very stiff and starts to scream. It took about five minutes before we were finally able to get his weight as he wouldn’t stop moving he was so excited!
So here he was sitting in his chair with the benik vest on underneath his shirt. He loves this slinky and anyone who knows A knows that holding this with BOTH hands is a HUGE accomplishment! Go A!
Thursday grandma and I headed to Kitchener with A to go to Toys R Us. That store is SO overwhelming! I did find a few things for A and I am so excited for Christmas to come! This will be his first Christmas here at home and I am looking really forward to it!
Friday I took A to his ped to get the other half of his flu shot. He didn’t like it too much but he is a tough little guy so he got over it quick. I was speaking a bit more with his doctor about the spell A had a few weeks ago (he was the one that came to the ER and told me he thought it was a seizure) and anyhow he said that the more he thinks about it the more he doesn’t think it is. This was after I told him about the echo last week and how A’s sats were so bad after only a whiff of nitrous. Ugh talk about being thrown in all directions! I have some telling me seizures (funny though because THREE neurologists that have said YES this was a seizure have all said DIFFERENT types) and some tell me airway and some say reflux and some say they don’t know. Where is my Doctor House?!?! LOL
This is what I am greeted to every single morning when my little man wakes up…
Today we had a pretty lazy day. A didn’t get up until 10am and then by 11:30am he was fussing to go back to sleep. I however kept him busy and up until about 1pm and he slept until about 3:00pm. His naps lately have been AWESOME! Although yesterday he skipped his nap for the day and that is probably why he got up so late today.
HE ALSO SAID ‘DADA’ AGAIN TODAY!
Daddy got home about 4pm and we got ready to head out for the annual Christmas gathering that we go to with my parents and their friends. Uncle S, Auntie A, Aunt Shorty and Rob all came this year too though which was a first.
I had a “moment” tonight there. Funny how things creep up on you when you least expect. There was a girl there that had two kids. I can’t remember how old the oldest is but I would guess about 18months. The little boy was a new addition and as I walked by to the kitchen I stopped and asked how old he was. The answer I got “he is 5 months old….he was a preemie though.” So of course I am curious and say “oh really how early?” And then she says “five or six weeks…I can’t remember. He weighed 5lbs 2oz and spent two weeks in the hospital and it was so hard on me. It is all such a blur to me now but I was exhausted. He has to have a surgery too for a hernia.” So I of course am blown away because of the fact that she is going on and on about this when she KNOWS my story. I eventually stepped away and when I saw my mom I started to cry. I went into the bedroom and I was just angry. Now I TOTALLY understand that for ANY mom who has a child early and spends ANY time in the hospital this would be a big deal. But when you are telling this to a mother that you KNOW spent nine months in the hospital with her baby that weighed under two pounds it gets to me. And when you know that her child has severe disabilities…when you know her child is deaf…when you know her child doesn’t eat by mouth. I just don’t get it. Do people not see past themselves?! These people really need to realize just how lucky they are. How their situation might have sucked in the beginning but really in the big picture it is so tiny. Anyways I don’t want to go on and on about it but I know that most of you who read my blog understand this.
Here is my little man holding his bells! (By the way, I would say about three months ago he couldn’t even come close to holding this!) He is funny now too, because when he sees you going to give him something he opens his thumb up…its really cute.