Oh where do I begin?! Well we have been home now for about five weeks and I have to say that things are going AWESOME! I really don’t know why I was so afraid of the “trach talk” way back when, but really it should have been a LONG time ago. And by a long time ago, I mean before A even came home from the NICU.
It breaks my heart to think that for four and a half years he has basically been suffering in silence. Unable to tell us that he cannot breathe right. Unable to tell us that his sleep was so crappy and he was up so many times a night because he would wake up needing air. The sad part is, is that all of this was KNOWN to the hospital where we spent 88 days back in 2008. They knew his sleep was horrible. The sleep study showed that he obstructed every five minutes. But yet they didn’t feel the need to tell me this as his mother? Instead I was told that “it wasn’t that bad.” I would hate to see then what they would consider BAD.
Feeds are going pretty good. I now have him up to a mixture of half and half with the two formulas, which gives him 37.5 calories per ounce. However he is still sitting at about 25lbs which is not really where we would like to see him. Weight is something that he definitely needs to gain! The hope is that now that he is not using so many calories to breathe that he will start gaining more. We are also only giving about 1200cals per day which his doctor feels is enough. So we will se and maybe have to up him a bit if he doesn’t start gaining something soon.
SLEEP. WOW WOW WOW is all I have to say. This child SLEEPS! I cannot believe the difference that the trach has made with just this alone. Do you know how odd it is to put your child to bed and he goes to sleep within about ten minutes? Do you know how odd it is to not be going up and down stairs fifty times before you even get to bed yourself? Do you know how odd it is to peak in at your child and they are satting about 95 CONSISTENTLY? Do you know how odd it is to not listen to his alarm go off pretty much ALL night? This is ALL so very odd to me!!!! For four and a half years I have been constantly getting out of bed. Constantly silencing his saturation alarm. Constantly trying to console him to go back to sleep. And now I do basically NOTHING. My little man can finally SLEEP. Finally get a good rest. Just flippin amazing!
Feeds. They are going okay. It is so weird after feeding A for his whole life during the night to be doing NO feeds and night and just feeds in the day. Right now I have him up to a rate of 155mls for a total of 230mls per feed. And he gets four in total.
Reflux. He seems to be doing okay reflux wise. He is down to 30mg/day of prevacid from 45mg.
Daytime. Everyone asks me if he seems better in the day since he is getting such a goods night sleep. And I have to say no. But this is only because A has always been such a happy wonderful kid. I used to wonder where he got all of his energy from when he slept so crappy at night! And to this day I cannot answer this.
Mommy and daddy. We are better than EVER. I feel like since coming home that I have a brand new son and a brand new husband. J has been helping out more than ever and it is so greatly appreciated. We had a long talk shortly after A came home and he told me that he realized after all that just went on with A of how close we were to possibly losing him. And now with the trach it is a whole new world for us. I never thought I could love J more than I did, but another WOW! Life is just awesome now!!!
A also had biopsies done on January 18th for the mito/metabolic issues. We will not be going back until the 20th of April for the results. My heart is kind of heavy knowing that we are so close to maybe discovering what could be going on with A. I am VERY scared but I try not to focus on it to much and just live each day with him as if it is our last. Life is too short to worry about things that may come up and even things that do come up are not always the “worst” thing that could happen.
I think I am scared too because J and I have been talking about having another baby. Well trying to anyways. And to be honest I would do ANYTHING to have another child. A healthy child. I think it would be so good for all three of us. But I know that I have to wait until we find out the results from the biopsies and go forward from there.
February 7th A got to skate with the Toronto Maple Leafs! Here are some pictures!
A also made the Leaf website on video from the skate. Go here and watch at about 38 seconds to see him being pushed by Bosak.
In other family news, my brother Shaun and his wife (my sister in law) Andrea were on the TV the other night. Andrea has been dealing with heart failure and in October of last year her life was being measured in hours. It was at this point that she had an LVAD placed (a mechanical heart) to keep her alive. She has been on the transplant list now for over 100 days and we all pray she will get it soon!
Please go and watch this. Just go HEREand on the right hand side click on the video Hope For Heart.
And today, 17 years ago I lost my Grandma C. I remember it like yesterday. One of the worst times of my life. I still get emotional when I think about her. I just wish she could have stayed to meet A and just be the wonderful part of my life growing up that she always was. RIP Grandma, I love you SOOOO much!
Well, as I sit here and write this post so much goes through my head. We headed to the hospital yesterday to see A’s respirologist. As I have said in previous posts, I truly wish we had met this man sooner. He is amazing in every single way and really knows his stuff. And he is the ONLY doctor that has taken what A does VERY VERY seriously and is very confused as to why his issues have not already been dealt with.
So, as it sits right now we are waiting for “the call”. A is going to be admitted to the PICU for a period of time and will not be able to come home until he has some sort of ventilation.
His issues at night have continued and this use of oxygen has been very concerning to me as this is not something that he *needed* in the past. Yes, he has always had issues with desats, but not like it has been lately. I have been saying that I feel like he is going downhill and that is the same thing that his resp. doctor thinks. He told me that kids with issues that A has get worse, not better.
So the plan is going to be to try to get A used to wearing Bi-PAP at night while he sleeps. “Bi-level Positive Airway Pressure; Used to treat sleep apnea, and other sleep related breathing disorders; Delivers alternating levels of inspiratory pressure (IPAP), or higher pressure, to keep the airway open as a patient breathes in, and the expiratory pressure (EPAP) is lower to reduce the work of exhaling; the BiPAP can be set to drop the level at specific intervals, or upon demand.”
Children usually take some time to get used to this, so depending on how well A does with it will depend on the length of our stay. The good thing is that he has not had his soother since he was ill in October. This would definitely be an issue as the Bi-PAP mask goes around his nose and over his head. And with him only taking his soother upside down and sleeping on his belly, it would have been next to impossible.
The other added bonus is that he really really wants to sleep on his back now, however I have not been able to allow him as his saturations are always lower and he just doesn’t breathe well. Bi-PAP will be MUCH easier if he is sleeping on his back.
*IF* the Bi-PAP does not work then we will have to talk deeper about a tracheostomy. When he mentioned it to me yesterday I said that I didn’t know if I could do a trach to A. His exact words were “well here is the question to answer it for you. Do you want your son to live or die?” I started to cry. Of course I want A to live, but a trach is a HUGE deal. It is a major surgery. It would change his life completely and ours. It is not something I take lightly.
Now with all that has been going on, he is very concerned about A having issues with his heart because of how much harder it has to work for him with all of his breathing issues. So they will doing another echo to check on things. One of the big issues that can happen with severe sleep apnea and the apnea that A has daily is right heart failure.
Another thing that was talked about was these big “spells” that A has. He thinks that they *could* be sudden pulmonary hypertension spells where the vessels all clamp down which cause him to go very blue and not breathe. I sit here wondering why on earth no other doctor has even suggested this could be the problem????
So it looks like we are in for another hospital stay. I feel more comfort in the fact that this is being done in the ICU but I am still very scared of what the future holds yet again.
The other issue that we have to deal with is A’s night feeds. His respirologist wants him off night feeds, no ifs ands or buts. This is proving to be VERY difficult and for now I just can’t make it happen. I didn’t do a feed last night but today just did not work out to give him more feed. He was refluxing like crazy with his second feed and that was only at noon. I will be lowering the night feed by 10mls/hour but that is the best I can do for now.
A’s x-ray from our last appointment did show that he does have interstitial lung disease. I specifically asked A’s chest team at Sick Kids *if* he could have this and they said no. Yet again, another question in my mind.
This is day two of no beds being available. I just pray that we get one soon because I am so afraid that my little man is going to be spending Christmas in the PICU.
Oh where to begin!!! Well let me think back to my last post. Things have been pretty good around the S house this month (minus the nights! LOL).
December 8th I went to see my high risk doctor for my pre-pregnancy appointment. I absolutely LOVE this lady (she delivered A) and I felt very comfortable meeting with her and talking. I of course had to take A with me and well you can imagine how much fun that was. This kid does not like to sit still in his wheelchair and let us all know how upset he was about it!
Anyhow, things went well and she agreed that she would take me on for sure once I have a “viable” pregnancy after eight weeks. The plan will be to see her at least every two weeks for cervix ultrasounds to make sure that all is good there. We do not know why I had A early so she said that putting a stitch in the cervix would not be her first choice for me as that can cause issues on its own. IF for any reason my cervix started to thin out or open early then this would be something that we would definitely have to consider.
As well she would like to start progesterone suppositories around week 16. New studies are showing that it can help prevent pre term labor so this could be a great thing. Sounds like we will be getting to see the little baby a lot with all of the ultrasounds that I will have to get!
I told her about my miscarriage that I had a few weeks before seeing her but she was not concerned about it at all. Kind of put my mind at ease because I was a bit panicked about having one. However she said that it is VERY common and they would only become concerned if I was to continue getting pregnant and having miscarriages.
We also discussed the bloodwork/tests that is done in week sixteen for downs, spina bifida etc. I have been very adamant that I do not want these tests done. They are not 100% and there is no way that I would EVER have an amnio done so doing the initial testing is pointless. I don’t think I know ONE preemie mom that would have an amnio done. Besides, if I am meant to have a child with anything they are testing for then that is what will happen.
There was a bit of drama going on here in my Internet world as well this month. I have (should say WAS) a part of a group of moms that talk on a forum. I was in this group for three years, was a very active member and even donated money to support this group. I met MANY wonderful moms there that I felt like I “knew” and talked about some of them to my family and friends. Anyone in a group like this knows the closeness that you can feel.
Anyhow, I went to sign in one morning and it said that I was banned! I was a bit confused thinking to myself “how and why??” so I emailed the lady who developed the board to ask. The only explanation that I received was that “after some investigation, my story of A does not add up and what I say he does is not physiologically possible.” So I emailed her back saying that everything I say A does is VERY really and that obviously she has a lot to learn about medicine if she is saying that this is not possible. I wanted a better explanation. But to no avail. That is all I got.
Needless to say I was very angry, hurt and upset that this was happening. I think more so because of the friendships that I had formed there.
Well a couple of days later I get told to go and look at the forum. Now normally when someone is banned it is kept private. If anyone was to ask about me they would be sent a message PRIVATELY about what happened. Well this lady took it upon herself to post a not so nice message to the entire group about me. Basically it said that after some investigation they had to ban me as what I say is not real. That some moms make their children sick. That sometimes moms find information about others and use it as their own. I literally felt my heart go to my feet and thought that I was going to vomit.
The worst was yet to come. MANY MANY (think over a hundred) people replied to this post saying things like “oh my god I had no idea”, “I hope she gets the mental help she needs”, “I hope and pray A is safe”, “doesn’t surprise me” ….you get the picture. These were women that I have talked to and shared things with. Women who I thought were “friends”. It was so very sad that all of these women were believing ONE person. ONE person who never even followed Ashton’s story. ONE person who runs everything and can get rid of you just like that.
Over time though I have come to realize that I don’t care what they think. I know that I am a great mom, I know that what A deals with is very real. I know that my “real” friends support me. And I also know that ANYONE who believes this “lady” has no idea either.
Next came our visit to Sick Kids. We had a meeting with A’s team because of all of the issues he has been having since the beginning of November. From his being up at night way too many times, to his screaming fits, to his slow motility, to my thoughts of him having reflux again, to his new episodes where he is not breathing. I have to say that this meeting actually went better than any other one that we have had. I think that his main doctor has changed his tune and realizes that I am not going to stop bugging or go away!
Grandma and grandpa C came with us to the appointment. Upon entering the office A went into one of his new spells. However by the time I found the nurse and she came in A was breathing once again.
We discussed many things. I told them that I wanted an upper GI done to check his fundo. We also discussed possibly placing his on cisipride for his motility, but of course it is banned in Canada so there is a process that we have to go through to get this medication. The first step being an ecg of his heart.
The suggestion came up as well to try him on a different formula and see if that was to help at all. Since the appointment I have done so but do not notice any change in his sleep or his motility.
I was also told to up his prevacid to 90mg/day from the 60mg/day that he is on. However I was very adamant that I am not doing this because I don’t believe that I need to have him on such a high dose.
I also told them that I had not yet heard from the sleep lab for another sleep study or from cardiology for an echo. I also asked if they could arrange another 24 EEG seeing that our last one was done in October 2006. These are being arranged.
December also brought my 30th birthday. I have to say that it has been the ONLY birthday that kinda brought me down a little bit. I had a wonderful surprise from my brother and his fiance. Since my birthday was on a Friday it worked out perfectly and they had taken J and I to Toronto to see Dirty Dancing! It was really good and I have always loved that movie. What girl doesn’t? I have to tell you though that the guy that played Swayze was FAR from good looking which was kind of a bummer when he is the MAIN interest of the movie! hahaha
Grandma and grandpa S came down on the Saturday (13th). We had a really great visit and we went out for dinner for our birthdays. Daddy was unsure about going out for dinner because A usually does not like to sit still but he was SO well behaved!!! And as a bonus we got to keep the dinner that grandma had brought down for the next night! haha
Daddy also turned 31 in December. A and I had baked him a cake and we celebrated his turning another year older with just the three of us.
December 23rd grandma and grandpa C were here early in the morning to pick A and I up to head to Sick Kids for Ashton’s ECG and upper GI. We left here about 6:30am for the 9am appointment and ended up getting there about an hour early. Worked out well though as we were able to have a coffee and sit a bit. It is always nice to get there and not feel so rushed. A had some bloodwork done first and did really well. I can never get over how well the people that work in the clinic there do with the kids.
9am we were upstairs for his ECG. He was a little worked up at first but I think that is normal seeing that normally he is being poked and prodded and probably is worrying about that. After the ECG we headed to radiology to have his upper GI. Upon entering the room A started to get very upset. This is the same room that he had ph probes placed and I know that he remembers that. As soon as I laid him on the table he was so upset crying and going off colour. The doctor placed 60mls of fluid into his g tube and we waited. We could see his tummy full and I was just waiting for the reflux to show. We would go from his back to his side for about five minutes and nothing. The doctor then said that he was going to put in another 60mls. I was a bit hesitant as I only feed A 50mls every twenty minutes during the day for his feeds but he said he wanted to push him a little. So he did so. STILL NO REFLUX!!!! We waited about ten minutes and NOTHING. A was still very upset but mommy was SO happy! I was just about jumping up and down and the doctor said “these tests are only a moment in time and you have to remember that.” Yes, I know but trust me, I know my kid. He was so worked up, gagging, crying and laying down and NO reflux. If he was going to reflux it would have been THEN. See, it pays off to do research and demand a certain surgeon do the fundoplication, because he obviously did it PERFECT!!!!
A however was not emptying AT ALL while we were in the test so the doctor asked up to come back in an hour to have a picture down to see how things were moving. I’ll tell you, I was a bit nervous with it being the 23rd thinking that possibly he would be admitted for obstruction!
We all went to eat lunch and walk around while waiting for the hour to pass. Upon having the x-ray done all was good and we could head home.
Christmas Eve A was in bed at 11pm and daddy and I shortly followed. Daddy is still a big kid at Christmas time and was up about five times throughout the night until 7am when he finally got out of bed! haha I was up soon after and A was up at 8am.
It was pretty cool this Christmas because A was SO into the presents and had lots of fun. Last year I taped the entire morning here and he kinda just sat there. Well this year all he did was talk and talk and talk!!!! He would get so excited for a present no matter who was opening it. Really neat to see. Maybe next year he will understand the whole Santa thing? I can’t wait! He does know what “Christmas Tree” is and even if I say it now he smiles like crazy. Such an amazing little man! Cujo and his new bone Santa brought for him…
We headed over to grandma and grandpa C’s at about 11am. Uncle S, Aunty A and Aunt Shorty were also there. We all got spoiled and had a great time. Aunty A made me this amazing gift this year and I wish I had a picture of it to show you but I don’t. It is the word “Miracle” cut out in wood letters and she put pictures and decorated them. It of course made me cry and I can’t wait to get it up!!!
Boxing day we headed down to Chatham to visit with grandma and grandpa S and Aunt K. Great grandma and grandpa came over to visit as well when we got there. A decided to nap later in the day so poor daddy had to wait to do gifts! haha
Once again we were all spoiled!!! A got the new Elmo which is pretty neat because when I would take him in stores that had it I would always play it. In the store it only says one line so now he KNOWS when that line is coming and starts smiling like crazy.
A in his cool new pajamas from grandma and grandpa S…
Saturday night grandma took over for A so daddy and I could go out to the bar and have a night out. It was lots of fun and A had a pretty good night for grandma which is always great!
We came home Monday evening and I took down our Christmas tree within the hour of being home. I know that old wives tales say it is bad luck to take the tree down before the New Year, however last year I left it up and we didn’t have the greatest of years so I thought I would try this! haha
New Years Eve we didn’t do anything. A was in bed at 11pm and daddy and I watched the New Years special. The minute after the ball dropped I was in bed! I have been SO tired lately and just have no energy at times to do anything.
Here is to 2009 and hopefully a GREAT year!!!!!
Well our follow up was yesterday with complex care. I have to say that I didn’t find it very helpful but I kind of expected that. Bascially I told him how frustrated I have been with how A is doing. I took my notes and showed him how much he has been vomiting. He seemed a bit concerned about that so we are doing continuous feeds throughout the night and three small feeds during the day to see if that helps. If not then we will do an upper GI to see if he is refluxing past his fundo (which I think it not functioning) and then switch out to a gj tube again.
Last night was our first night of continuous and we had a nurse here which was nice. He did okay until about 6am and she said he was gagging and definitely refluxing. That continuous ended at 8am and then at 11am he got his first of three small feeds for the day. He gagged through the whole thing turning off colour constantly. After the feed was done he threw up three times.
Sunday night when I put him to bed he went down to 14 and I was ready to freak right out. I can’t even tell you how stressful this has been since he has come home. I feel like I have aged at least ten years. Anyhow, I was so fed up with his shitty sats at night sleeping (88) that I put oxygen on him. Guess what? He satted 98 ALL night and slept great. So Monday night I did the same and it worked. Right now he is napping on the couch satting 82. So I have the oxygen in front of his face and he is 96.
I told the doctor about this as well and he seemed okay with it. Of course I don’t think it is my job to find out what works best for A. Especially when you are talking feeds and needing oxygen. He is only getting .5L so the doctor is okay with it. If he sats 100 I just turn him down as I don’t want him sitting at 100 because of his hypoxic drive.
After that appointment we went and he had some bloodwork done after his feed for genetics along with a urine sample. He did very well and I can never get over how awesome these people are there that take blood!!!!
I also just found out that the approval for his DNA to go to the States just went through so we have at least a three month wait for that.
Tonight is exciting for all of us. In January I was contacted by a gentleman who wanted to grant A a wish. Because of being in hospital we were not able to do anything. He is finally coming tonight to meet A to see what he wants to wish for! He also told me that he has a large sum of money for J and I to catch up on things since spending so much time in hospital. How awesome is this!? I still have NO idea what to wish for….maybe he will have some great ideas!
Well I cannot wait to go to our follow up appointment early next week. Since my last update I have been ready to pull my hair out. Tuesday went pretty good for him but he did have a big episode at 2pm just before his nap. And then from 6-10pm he was not happy. Wednesday he was up by 9am after a very restless night but he was happy. He had another big episode at 2:30pm during his crappy nap. He got very congested to the point I had to suction. At 7:30pm he vomited which is a half hour after his feed ended. At 8:30pm he had a pretty big blue spell where you knew he was refluxing and couldn’t catch his breath. At 11:30pm the nurse put him to bed and he had another vomit with a desat to 38. Thursday…he was fussy for pretty much his whole feed from 6-7am. At 3:30 he had an episode with huge burps. When I opened his tube to vent him 20mls came out immediately. 6pm his feed started and by the time it was over at 7pm he had vomited three times. Friday…up at 10am after another restless night and pretty grumpy. Back to sleep by 12pm. After his 2pm feed there was tons of gagging episodes and crying. 5-6pm gagging almost constant. This was BEFORE a feed. Feed on at 6pm and within ten minutes he had the hiccups and more gagging. 7:40pm he vomited FOUR times and LARGE amounts. My guess is that it was pretty much the whole feed of 180mls. Feed on at 10:30pm-11:15pm and then vomit at midnight. Last night…another crappy night. Up at 9:30pm. 10am-11am feed CONSTANTLY going off colour, crying and fussing. 6pm feed TONS of refluxing/swallowing/gagging. It is now 11:30pm and nothing since his feed ended at 11pm. Knock on wood.
To top this all off at night and at nap times he is satting at 88. He was not even doing this in hospital. His baseline is typically 94-96. The odd time he comes up and sits at 91 but not often. It is driving me bonkers and I have a hard time sleeping knowing he is sitting at 88. There are times that he sits in the 70s too for at least ten minutes. Now I know they say not to focus on numbers but when this is not normal it is hard not to.
This past week has made me realize that I probably just wasted 88 days at the hospital for absolutely no reason. I still cannot get over the guilt I feel for seeming to make A worse. It sucks.
So that is why I am ready to pull my hair out. These friggin doctors need to listen to me when I tell them that he is STILL refluxing. He is miserable and very hard to keep happy. It is at the point where I am scared to feed him. Scared of him gagging/choking. And pissed off that he has to suffer through all this crap when he doesn’t need to. IF and only IF they would listen!!!!!! If you wonder how I remember all of the above it is because I have been keeping detailed notes to shove in their faces next week.
Good news…we have a new member of the family. We picked her up on Thursday night. She is a 7 week old 4lb jack russell crossed with a pug. They are called jugs. We decided on her name tonight which is Mady. She LOVES A and can’t get enough of him. A, well I am not too sure what he thinks. Probably tired of the kisses LOL.
Well I waited all day to finally see the doctor this afternoon. She really didn’t have much to say to me but did of course ask when I would like to go home. Hmmmm ….I said I would love to go today but I don’t have any answers yet. So then she asked if it would make me more comfortable if I took a CPR course. Ya, no thanks. The last thing that I was thinking in November when I had to call 911 was how to do CPR. It is one thing to learn about it and use it possibly on someone else, but when it is your own child it isn’t as easy as saying so.
I had another breakdown today when the chest doctor came to talk to me. I find it so hard to stay strong anymore when I am talking about A. It just isn’t fair that he has to suffer because the docs don’t want to be the ones that are wrong. If they had of listened to me the day that we got here I think we could be home by now. But it took ten weeks (today actually) to finally get that to happen. I told her how I felt that if A was a typical child everything would be done. How no one listens to me. How I know this child SO well it is scary but yet I am treated like I don’t know a thing. It sucks.
The bloodwork was done today for the genetics testing but I have no idea how long it will take to hear anything back. Hopefully I might see one of the docs about that tomorrow. Poor little guy knew as soon as the lady for taking blood came over to his bedside. His sats were down in the 40s before she even got the band around his arm.
The complex doctor was not thrilled to hear that genetics has a new way of thinking about A. Well of course she isn’t…once again she isn’t the big savior in all of this. She asked me what I thought of him and I said he was wonderful. He thinks what I think. He acknowledges my concerns and the rough road I have had as A’s mother. He cares about A. And yes, I got this from the man in a matter of ten minutes. I did tell her that the biggest thing I heard was that A doesn’t have cerebral palsy. She said that he didn’t write that down in his note but rather it said that there is no primary diagnosis. Hmmmm same meaning to me.
I had a nap today and when I woke up it was 6pm. I asked the nurse if the doctor had come back yet with the probe results. She said that she was in and put the paperwork in his chart but that she needed someone to interpret them for her from GI so it would be tomorrow. So I asked the nurse to see them. And voila mom was able to interpret the results. Kinda scary don’t you think? A mother can read the results but a complex care doctor can’t?
So what do you think it showed? Do you think the mother who wanted to put her child through the unnecessary testing for reflux knew best or the doctors? Well if you guessed mom you are right! Now I can say that I was actually surprised that it was not MORE than it showed, but all in all he is still refluxing. He had 53 episodes of reflux in the 24hours with the longest being 7 minutes. Much better than before the fundo, but I knew it didn’t fix it. So I was thinking that maybe when she comes in the morning to tell me that she needs someone to interpret the testing I could do it for her?
What a day!!! I have been smiling since about 5pm tonight because I am SO happy that someone finally is listening to me. Someone finally agrees with me. Someone thinks what I do. And this someone said it before I said what I thought! What you ask?
Well this morning the genetics fellow came in to talk to me. She took the full history of my health, my family, J and his family. Then we went onto A from pregnancy until now. She was very impressed about how much I knew about his NICU stay, what infections he had, the dates and just all of the issues in general. She then told me that she would be speaking to the genetics doctor and they would come back.
At noon daddy went in with A to have his ph probe placed. It was not fun at all but it will be coming out tomorrow afternoon and I cannot wait to see the results!!! The doctors are positive that they won’t see ANY reflux where I think different.
Anyhow the genetics doctor came in along with the fellow I spoke to and a resident. He was very caring and concerned from the minute he walked in. He told me that he had heard all about me and what a wonderful mother I was. Yep, I try to be I told him.
We then laid A on the bed and I took his clothes off. Within about thirty seconds of him looking at him he said “this kid doesn’t have cerebral palsy.” Hmmm wasn’t it not too long ago I was telling everyone how his CP just isn’t typical. How he just doesn’t present how he should. I was blown away. I then told him that the doctor that diagnosed him was the only one that would say CP. He said “of course…you have a former 24weeker that isn’t meeting milestones and you label them CP…it is the easiest thing for them to do.” WOW!!!!!!
He then told me that he thought of course that A had some effects from prematurity but said that with what he was seeing he didn’t think it had anything to do with it. OMG!!!! Have I not been saying for months and months that I am so tired of docs blaming everything on his prematurity?! His CP?! I thought I was going to burst into tears!!!!!
He also is very concerned about WHY A is deaf. He said that it isn’t normal to have a child come in after their first birthday and find out that they are profoundly deaf when in the past they had passed two hearing screens.
I told him that the day we came the docs asked me what I thought was wrong. I said reflux, airway and something no one has figured out yet. He looked at me and said “I think you are right mom. You are a great mother and I am so glad that you have fought how you have to try and get answers. I can’t promise you anything but we will do our best. A doesn’t have any features that make me think of where I can start but we will start somewhere. This must be so hard on you.” He then told me that they are going to involve metabolics as well to start with a workup on him.
I cannot even tell you how good this feels to hear what I heard today. To have someone tell me that they think something else is going on without me saying it first. I cannot wait until I see the complex care doctor tomorrow. Wonder what she will have to say?!??!?!?!??!?!?? Genetics was just coming because I bugged and bugged. She didn’t hesitate to tell us over and over that it would just be genetic counselling and that they probably would not end up doing anything more.
On the other side of it I am very scared. IF A ended up having something genetic that most likely means that the chance of J and I having another child is slim. I long for the day I can get pregnant again….have a big belly….enjoy every minute of being pregnant and then have a big fat term baby. This brings me to tears just knowing that maybe, just maybe I will never get to experience it.
Mothers know best…..that’s all I know. When are MOST docs going to learn this?