Is about the only thing I have been feeling lately. You know, I look back to the days of the NICU and you think for some reason when you leave there that things are going to be okay. Things will never be like they were there. But that is so wrong. I find myself more worried, more stressed and more confused now when A gets sick than I did way back then. It totally sucks. I mean for real. He is going to be four in June and yet the nightmare continues. The worrying every time that he gets sick. It is always in the back of my mind that something horrible is going to happen. That my absolute worst fear will come true. That I won’t have this smiling, adorable little guy here. No mother should have to think of this when her child gets sick. But it is just yet another crappy thing about being the mom of a preemie, the mom of a child with special needs, the mom of a child with many health issues. We are not oblivious to ANYTHING and know that ANYTHING can happen.
So A has been sick since the 16th of February. Februay 18th I was told that he had pneumonia. Last Wednesday he seemed much better. Same goes for Thursday. Thursday night however his nurse woke me up and told me that she thought he needed oxygen because his sats would not stay up. (She does not have an order for oxygen therefore has to wake me up in these circumstances.) He did fine on 1/2L.
Friday morning he is fine. Doesn’t even need the oxygen. Friday was a good day. He had three workers here and did great with all of them.
Friday night went to bed fine. (I did have him on 1/4L because it seemed that at nights was when he was needing that little bit of help.) Wow, what a crazy night. He was AWFUL. At 5am I really started to get nervous. He was not going above 80 and if he did it was not for long. I had him up to 2L and it was not doing ANYTHING. I held him and that didn’t help. Finally about 6:30am he settled back down and was satting 90ish on 2L.
By 8am I was in his room getting him up yet again freaking out.
Talked to my parents around 9am and thought I needed to take him to the hospital. I figured I might as well change his oxygen tank as I knew that it was getting low and wanted a full one for the trip. Shut off the tank and then went downstairs to get a new one.
Come up and he is satting in the 90s with NO oxygen.
Talked to my mom and told her that I wasn’t going to take him. Pretty sad when you hum and haw over taking your sick child to the emergency because you know pretty much how useless it is going to be!!!
Had an okay day yesterday. Only needing 1/4 or 1/2L to sat well.
That was until he wanted to sleep. I held him (he only cuddles when he is sick!) and he fell asleep. That lasted about ten minutes max. As soon as he goes to sleep the difficulty breathing and crappy sats start.
Stayed up for the rest of the day. Was good.
Last night he was exhausted and I put him to bed at 10pm. Was asleep within 15 minutes, on 1/2L with sats in the 90s.
I headed to bed as I could barely keep my eyes open. Daddy stayed up so that I could get at least some solid sleep.
3:30am I am up to the lovely sounds of the monitor. From 3:30-5:30am I did everything I could think of. Turned up the oxygen, gave him a breathing treatment, did nose drops, checked his temperature, did some deep suctioning. You name it I tried it. Sats would NOT come above 90. He was snorty, tired and just having a crappy time. I picked him up hoping it would be a bit better. He was good until of course he would fall off to sleep.
I just held him and cried my eyes out. I am sure that my pregnancy hormones do not help with this, but I friggin HATE what my poor guy has to go through. It just isn’t fair. It sucks and that is the bottom line. And it sucks even more when I am worried but yet scared at the same time to take him in. I mean really what are they going to do different for him? The only thought I had was that they would most likely vent him and because I know he is fine awake I am not okay with that. It freaks me out. I hope to God that I never ever have to see him vented again.
So ya, I just cried and cried. Told him how sorry I was. How angry I was that no one ever helps him. Sorry that he suffers way too much for being a three year old. How I felt like a shit ass mom for not being able to make him better.
Life really sucks sometimes.
But I try to remember the bright side. I have my son here with me. I can love him, cuddle him, kiss him.
And then he smiles.
Sixteen years ago today I lost someone who I loved very much. My grandma C. I really can’t believe that it has been that long. WOW, how time flies. There is hardly a day that goes by where I don’t think about her and how much I miss her. How much I wish she was around me. How much I wish that she could be a great grandma to A. How much I wish I could see her hug him, talk to him, just love him. How much I just wish she was still here, period.
I have yet to understand why we seem to lose the great ones that we love too soon. It just really doesn’t seem fair. And it just totally plain sucks because she was so loving, so caring and such a wonderful grandma. I have SO many great memories about her which I am thankful for.
I really truly believe that even though I cannot see her she is here with us. A definitely has his “friends” that make him smile and giggle and I am sure that she is one of them.
I love you grandma.
It was three years ago today that A came home from McMaster after his ICU stay.
It was two years ago today that he came home from hospital after being admitted for high fever, congestion, vomiting and all that fun stuff.
It was a year ago today that he was still inpatient at Sick Kids dealing with an NPT tube.
And today, well he is recovering from pneumonia!
Hmmmm something about him and the number 23. January 23rds and February 23rds. This explains why 23 is one of my lottery numbers. Not that it has been lucky, but I figure it is significant so I might as well!
Well A has been holding his own all week and we never did end up getting admitted!!! This is great because I think he does much better here at home and I know that I definitely do too! It totally stresses me out being inpatient and it isn’t something that I wanted to deal with right now.
He is still requiring oxygen or his saturations stay in the high 70s or low 80s. He is also needing a lot of suctioning yesterday and today. Now any mom that does this knows that it just isn’t fun to do. I have a really hard time because I know how painful it is and it isn’t anything that I would want done to me. When A was a baby and first came home from the NICU I had a much easier time with it. Now that he is bigger it breaks my heart. As soon as he sees the long catheter he starts getting upset. But without the suctioning here at home there is probably no way that he would be able to be here at home.
Not too sure what is going on exactly with him but it started last night after he went down for bed. I finally got to bed at 1am and then the alarming started. J was still up so he kept going up to check on him. Eventually at 3am A was having a hard time keeping his oxygen saturations above 70 so he got me. I was a bit nervous as he was just having such a hard time breathing. I had said we should probably take him to the ER but we all know that it just doesn’t seem to ever work for A. I mean how much faith can you have when at our last admission with “pneumonia” and over twenty pokes for blood and an IV the next day we are told by HIS doctor that he doesn’t have pneumonia. Then the radiologist read his x-ray and said possible. Just crazy.
So I went to our basement and pulled out the oxygen. At 1L he was staying in the 90s as long as he was relaxed and/or sleeping.
Today he hasn’t been much better but holding his own. I will see how tonight goes and then take him to his doctor tomorrow if things are not any better. Please pray that this doesn’t turn out to be a hospital stay!
Sorry I have not updated since last week. Well Tuesday morning daddy and I got to the hospital at 8am. A was sitting up in his wheelchair watching TV. He looked good but then I noticed he didn’t have an IV!!!! The nurse told me it had come out during the night. UGH I was SOOOO mad!
His ped came in about 8:30am and told me that he refused to poke A for the 18th time. I asked him to look at the xray from in emerg so he did so. Told me he did NOT see pneumonia. WHAT!? My little man got 17 pokes for nothing??? So he took me to show me all of his xrays. I of course cannot tell pneumonia but it was interesting. So I then asked what the radiologist said. He said “possible” pneumonia. Okay so I have one saying yes, definite pneumonia, one saying no and one saying possible. Am I the only one that is confused on how this happens???
Anyways I was a bit frustrated that he put A on oral meds and said we could go home. So he told us to wait the day then and see how he was around 5pm when he would call. Okay fine. Grandma came up and daddy and left for a while.
At 3:30pm I returned and my mom said he had a pretty good day. He was acting tired so we figured we would try him down for a nap since we still had a while to wait for the doctor. Well that is when he started his blue episodes. It was about 20 minutes with sats below 60. The nurse on went and called the doctor. He told her that he was not doing any further investigations. UGH!!!! You could tell something was wrong because everytime that A got upset his heartrate would fly up. The doc told her that if he did it again before 5pm then he couldn’t go home. I was just so frustrated and pissed off that I packed him up and we headed home.
Monday night A is sitting with daddy on the couch. He starts to get upset and goes off colour. Well all of a sudden he cries like something REALLY hurts, goes straight stiff and boom he isn’t breathing. When he finally did take a big breath he passed out. J laid him on the floor about ten minutes later and he didn’t move. ANYONE that knows A knows that for one he doesn’t go to sleep on you like that and two if you move him he wakes up.
Well at 11pm I went to give him his med and he woke up. So we took him up to bed. What does he do?? The same thing!!!!! Except this time when he started breathing he didn’t pass out, he just continued to fuss and cry.
Tuesday morning I was livid to say the least. I immediately emailed his team at Sick Kids about what went on and called his doctor here. I was bawling my eyes out when I called the doctor and told the secretary what went on. She said she would call me back. When she did she said that he wanted to see A the next day to discuss home oxygen. WHAT!?!? That is NOT the answer. And we already have home oxygen!!!!
The nurse practitioner called me from Sick Kids. Said that she talked to his doctor and he wanted to see A in clinic next Tuesday. HUH? I am telling you my child stopped breathing TWICE last night and you want to see him next week??? I told her that wasn’t good enough. That I wanted something done NOW. She said she would go talk to him and call me back. When she did, she said that is the best they could do. She also told me that if things were that bad last night I would have called 911. Really?! For what?! To go through the same drama and have nothing come out of it?? I called 911 when he wasn’t breathing and it was like I was on a soap opera and we were sent home that SAME day with NO answers and NOTHING fixed.
By this point I am really really angry. I decided with the support and advice of a group of moms that I talk to, to take things further. I talk to A LOT of moms that have kids with all kinds of issues and all agreed and cannot believe that nothing is done. One mom even told me that if her son had sats as low as A she would expect a helicopter to land at her house.
I had another mom tell me that she thinks that the doctors don’t do anything because A is disabled and it doesn’t matter. (The low oxygen levels). Sadly I agree. If A was not disabled and he was doing what he was doing the doctors would not let it go on without investigating WHY it was happening.
I sat here Monday night after all this and wondered if I was just a crazy mom who wanted too much from doctors. If I was taking things too far and really they weren’t that serious. But I realized that NO I am not any of these. What A does is NOT okay and I have absolute reason to be worried.
So I took it upon myself to email about four news stations and about eight doctors/hospitals within the United States. I have heard from Global News so we will see where that goes….hopefully somewhere.
I have thought of this for a long time but I was so worried that it might make things here “difficult” or “worse” for A but I realize now that it cannot get any worse for him. No one does anything. These doctors and hospitals are supposed to take care of him. And the care he is receiving is disgusting to say the least and they need to be held accountable for this.
Anyways, that was Wednesday. I heard from Global Friday. A has continued with his blue episodes, however none as bad as Monday night but still not right. I just hope that ONE DAY SOON I find the right person who wants to help my little man. How could you not want to help him???
Well my little man is admitted yet again with pneumonia. Here is the update I did for my one group:
Well I got to emerg and when we got into triage they immediately hooked A up to a monitor. He was saying 36. The triage nurse just about jumped out of her clothes and within minutes we were in the back.
Chest x ray and bloodwork was done (which by the way took SIX pokes!)
At 5pm I kept telling them that I needed to go home at some point to get his food. They were telling me to just give him apple juice or milk!!!!!!
Anyways, they came back and told me he has pneumonia in the lower left lobe.
This is when they started with an IV. After me bawling my eyes out because I HATE when he is admitted. Anyways after seven tries I was ready to BLOW UP!
I told them I was leaving to get his food b/c at this time it was after 6pm.
Got back and he was done with the IVs after two more tries. So it took them 9 tries! You should see his poor arms!!!!!!!
Well we get up to the floor and guess what? A nurse untaped his IV to check it and pulled it out!!!! So once again my poor exhausted boy was taken into the room again. Three more goes.
I am home to sleep. There are two nurses on tonight and they only have him and one other boy.
I just can’t believe this is happening AGAIN!
Please pray that A can get through this without being intubated like in August.
Well nothing has changed. He is still intubated and heavily sedated. Swabs were done yesterday to see if anything shows up or grows. I was told yesterday that his lung x-ray was patchy and they are treating as if it was bacterial pneumonia. However they do think if it is then it is viral. The doctor also said that his x-ray does not really match how sick he is. So no real answers. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.