Sorry that it has been so long but things have been very busy around here (what else is new?!) and I have gone over my limit of pictures on my blog so I had to erase some older ones and will be buying some new space for more!
So whats new? Well A is still being A. I am on my way working back into the blended diet as I do not think that any of the foods were causing his issues. He still continues to have episodes of going off colour in the day and being fussy at night. Not sure what is going on at all. I have been chatting with the team at sick kids and I finally got an answer from them YESTERDAY of what the teams thoughts were on the video I had sent. Well she said that they feel it is the same thing he was doing inpatient only with teeth grinding and that mixed with breath holding makes things like this happen.
Well I emailed them back saying that what he is doing is NOTHING like what he was doing before at all. I also told her that I did not want to hear the saying “breath holding EVER again”. What A is doing is NOT breath holding and never has been. The doctors know my feelings on this. She also said they wanted to do botox again in his saliva glands. I am not for that at all either because it did not do anything the first go around. So anyways that is that….
I cannot wait to get this kid a new bed!!! I am getting so frustrated with how he moves so much at night and gets his legs and arms caught in the crib. Half of the reason I think he wakes up at night is because of this so in a month this little man is going to have a big boy bed!!
And now for some tear jerking exciting news! The other day his EI worker was here to play/work with him. At the end of every session she colours a picture with him. She gets the paper ready and then will hold up two markers and make him choose what one he wants. Then she will put it in his hand and hold his wrist while he moves it around. Normally he isn’t even paying attention to the colouring at all and is trying to pull the marker back to put it in his mouth. Well this time he coloured ALL BY HIMSELF! She wasn’t even holding his hand AT ALL! I grabbed my camera and snapped some pictures and then I grabbed the video camera and taped him. He is SO amazing!
I can hardly believe that we have been here for 13 weeks. I was worried about being admitted in the beginning for a couple never imagining what was to lie ahead.
Sorry that it has been so long since I have posted but I have been pretty down lately. A had his botox done on Tuesday March 26th…9 days ago. I have to say that I very disappointed since then. There is absolutely NO change in his saliva production. Well in a good way. He has more. And ever since having the botox he has this nasty cough and a TON of chest congestion. To the point where we have needed to suction him at night so he isn’t satting in the 70s while sleeping. The doctor who did the botox said it could take up to 12days but I can’t imagine that in three days there is going to be a miraculous outcome.
His episodes also started to happen again on Sunday during his nap. Yesterday was an hour long. The doctor was in here the whole time it was going on and I thought that I was going to lose it. I am so emotionally drained. I cried so much yesterday that I still have a headache today. I was so mad and frustrated. I laid him on his bed and just yelled that I can’t do this anymore. The nurse came over and hugged me very tight and told me that it wasn’t my fault. That I was doing what I need to do. And most of all, she told me that yes, it wasn’t fair. She is awesome. I just don’t understand why everything that we do just seems to complicate things. This was not supposed to happen after botox but once again A has other plans. This wasn’t even one of the risks or rare side effects!!!
At the end of his episode yesterday I told the doctor that I wanted to leave. I just want to go home. She told me that we could go by the end of the week because she is going off service so it would work well for her. So after some thinking I have decided that I might just wait to meet this new doctor on Monday. New eyes never hurt. And I figure I have been here so long already, that what the heck will another week hurt?
Then the patient rep that embarrassed me in the team meeting way back had the nerve to come in here yesterday. I was emotional the entire day even talking and he started to get all nice with me. Telling me that he can’t believe we are still here. How he can’t imagine how hard this is on me. Then the wrong line he said….I know how you feel. Really? You have a child that has been in hospital for 13 weeks with no answers? A child that goes blue too many times a day? I don’t think so. Of course I didn’t say this to him, but I did tell him that he didn’t know how it felt. That he goes home at the end of the day and can forget about what goes on here. It felt good.
On an up note, grandma and grandpa S came down on Saturday and stayed until Monday afternoon. J and his dad went to a Leaf game so his mom and I went and saw the show We Will Rock You. We had dinner first and then met up at the Hard Rock afterwards. It was so nice to get out and have fun. Plus I got to sleep in a real bed for three nights in a row at the hotel! Social work got Jeff and I one for the Friday night and then we stayed with his parents the next two nights.
So it looks like we will be home soon. The saddest part of this for me is that we are leaving without any much needed and wanted answers. Unless of course this next doctor is Dr. House?!
Well A went into his procedure yesterday at 2:15pm. He was given a general anesthetic and then had botox injected into four of his saliva glands. They also did a CT scan at the same time of his lungs as I wanted this done. He did VERY well and I am so proud of him. I went into recovery about 4pm expecting to be sitting there holding him for a couple of hours but we were only in there about fifteen minutes and he came back up to his room. He was smiling and doing wonderful!
When he went to sleep last night he was satting in the 70s so I started getting worried because this isn’t typical for him to stay there constantly so I took his soother out and flipped him to his side and he was fine. He stayed at 90 for pretty much the rest of the night.
I haven’t noticed any difference at all yet with the saliva glands, but the doctor said it would be a couple of days. Fingers are staying crossed!
As for the CT, all the pulm doctor said was that there was some chronic changes but they were probably due to aspiration. Probably?! That isn’t a good enough answer for me but that was all he had to say. I will be speaking to someone else tomorrow.
Well for starters the weekend was pretty good. Daddy and I were able to take our little man out of here yesterday on a day pass!!! So we left here about 1pm and headed home. He really didn’t know what to think about being in the vehicle…but after three months who can blame him? When we left here his shoes would not even go onto his feet! LOL So we know he has grown!
I’ll tell you though, I was more nervous leaving here yesterday with him than I was the day we left the NICU after eight months! I was so afraid that he was going to have an episode in the car but thankfully he didn’t.
It was very cute to see how he reacted when we got home. As soon as we pushed his buggy into the living room he was going nuts!!! And of course daddy got him a big huge TV so that was put on right away for him and he thought it was great!
We got ready to head over to my aunts for Easter dinner which was nice because we have a nighttime routine of Ashton having a shower. He loved it! When I was drying him off he started to gag and went very off colour and into one of his fits. It didn’t last long but it really freaked me out.
Everyone was pretty surprised when we walked into my aunts house with A! We had a great dinner and A slept for a couple of hours because he had not napped all day. We had to be back here for 10pm but traffic was absolutely insane that we didn’t get here until about 10:30pm.
Today…I spoke to his complex doctor and told her that I wanted to give the botox a try. Well botox is tomorrow!!! I was told to go down to IGT (where they do the botox) to sign a consent. When I got down there I told them that I wanted to talk to the doctor that would be doing the botox before I signed. I don’t think this is a common request because she wasn’t too thrilled about looking up who was doing it and then asking when he would be available to speak to me. I ended up going back about an hour later and he was great. He explained everything again to me and did happen to tell me that botox is not usually used for pooling of secretions. What?! The docs told me that this was a thing that is common here. Well he told me it is common to use for drooling but not for pooling. So A will be there first case like this…he did however say that it makes sense that it COULD help so I am holding onto that. I have to say though that I am VERY nervous. A couple of times today I almost thought about cancelling it. But I know deep down that if I didn’t at least try it that I would always wonder what if.
He will also be getting a long awaited CT scan tomorrow since he will be under a general. The docs aren’t thrilled and keep saying it won’t show them anything but I cannot stop wondering so it needs to be done.
I had another genetics doctor come in to see me today and meet A. She is actually a neuro genetics doctor which kind of fits him better I think. She was also very kind and caring and took her time. She looked A over for about five minutes and just watched him. Well her conclusion was that his issues and what she sees are not related to his prematurity. I asked her about the CP diagnosis and like she said, CP is such a wide range that it easier to diagnose that anything else. She really doesn’t feel that this is what is going on though.
She said that she was happy with the testing being done but that she does have some other ideas if everything was to come back okay. She did mention a spinal tap to check his neuro transmitters as well as a muscle biopsy. And the last thing she mentioned was mito. Hmmmm interesting is all I have to say. Scary too.
So please hope and pray that this botox does the trick for his nasty nasty spells. I don’t have high hopes but somewhere inside I still have some left….
Well we have had an interesting few days around here. Wednesday night the night nurse was a new one which I absolutely cannot stand when there are a bunch on that DO know him. This nurse had come to help out for the night because of short staff, and she usually works in the critical care and NICU. I thought okay, well she has more experience than others….what could go wrong? Well for starters she was not friendly at all and didn’t do any vital signs until after 11pm. J and I had left for about fifteen minutes at about 10:30pm and we came back into the room with A in the crib and three nurses standing around him. They had the oxygen blasting in his face and the suction going. I looked up at the monitor and he was in the 20s and I immediately told them to get rid of the oxygen. The nurse looks at me and tells me that they need it because he is satting so low. I then tell her that he can’t have oxygen and that it makes him worse. She was not told this on handover. Ugh! Then the most shocking news. She said he had thrown up! WHAT?! Sure enough his shirt was covered in vomit and he was NOT happy. It took me a good ten minutes to settle him down. I asked what he was doing and she said nothing…he was just sitting in his chair watching TV. Well the parents next to me told me that she was bouncing him pretty rough in his chair and then he gagged and threw up. I was livid. I went right out to the nurses station, waited for the charge nurse and spoke with her. She was ready to cry because she was so stressed out from her shift already. Anyways she said she couldn’t change the jobs because this nurse helping out specifically requested to have babies or she wasn’t coming to work. A isn’t a baby I said…he is almost three. Closest thing I was told. So I settled down and she agreed to put A on her pager for the night.
I then asked our nurse to page the on call doctor as I was freaking out that A had thrown up. He came to talk to me but it was really a waste of time. That is what sucks about things happening on the weekend around here!
Friday we had a little meeting with our complex care doctor and the social worker. We have finally come to the decision that A will be going home. I am not thrilled to be leaving here without answers, but I need to get over it I guess. This is VERY hard for me to accept. They are calling my case manager and getting her to come in for a meeting. They want me to have more nursing than just two nights a week. I told them how home care nursing just isn’t the same so they will be getting nurses in here to train that I will have at home. I will also be having a monitor for him as well. Genetics will follow up with us on an out patient basis. I am not quite sure when we will be going home but probably within the next couple of weeks. We were also told that the chest team wants a chest x-ray and an echo done on A every six months after we leave. I will be talking to chest on Monday about everything because they really thought that his feeds were related to his desats but we found out with the probe that there is no correlation at all. Should be interesting to see what they have to say about that. Maybe they will finally do a CT scan. Who knows.
Friday night. A’s feed finished at 11pm and two minutes later he looked funny. His sats dropped to the 70s and then he threw up. No gagging, no retching, just threw up. Probably about 30mls as well. I was so upset! I just don’t know how this is happening with a fundo that is tighter than usual!!!! The doctor on call came last night but he really couldn’t help me out much. He did say he totally understands why I am concerned and the regular team needs to know about this for sure on Monday. It was at this time that I found out that he had thrown up as well on Thursday night after I went to bed. I was never told in the morning when I asked how his night was.
Yesterday I also started A with some sweet potatoes mixed with his 6pm feed and some rice cereal mixed with all feeds. He is doing great so far and I can’t wait to get him to all blended food. I just wrote out a new chart today for his feeds. It took a while as you have to count all calories and water consumption.
Today A went down for a nap at 2pm and at 2:30pm woke up with gas and then went into one of his big spells that he has not had in a couple of days. The nurse on today was kinda freaked out because she hasn’t been with him in a while. He went as low as 8 and it lasted for about 25minutes for the whole episode. We both also noticed some strange staring spell during the episode. Ugh talk about a downer for the day!
I have been thinking today again about the botox in the saliva glands and think that I may end up doing that before we leave. I do notice a lot of secretions during these episodes as well as when he gags. We stopped the glyco the other day as I didn’t notice it helping so maybe I should just TRY the next step. I will be talking to the docs on Monday about it again.
Well we are still in hospital. Last week went pretty slow with not much happening around here. Beginning to become a regular thing. The good news is that we got a new chest team that started on Wednesday and I really really like the lady that I am dealing with. She LISTENS to me and FEELS my concerns. These are definitely hard to come by around here so this is great. She had asked me why an echo hasn’t been done yet and I explained that the last team said that it wasn’t cardiac related. She then went on to tell me that she is concerned about heart failure because of all of the low desats he has been having and with what is going on. I agreed with her that if she felt it was necessary to do the echo then I was all for it. She put in the order.
Thursday comes around and I was speaking to the complex care team. I asked about the echo and they told me that they had talked to chest and that the chest team didn’t realize that A had just had one done in November that was fine. He then told me that they were satisfied with the results therefore would not be wanting a new one.
Thursday IGT also came in to speak with me about the botox that they wanted Ashton to have. It was then when I found out that there are many risks with the botox. After discussing it thoroughly with the doctor I was comfortable with going ahead and signed the forms for it to be done on Friday morning at 9am.
Well, later that day I was not feeling so great about it. My gut was just not right with the idea. And when I have that feeling I know that I need to listen to it! So at 4pm I talked to his NP and told her that I was cancelling it. Well to make a long story short, they were not too impressed. But guess what? I don’t give two shits! I then went on to tell her that I wanted to try him on the med first that does the same thing as botox. This was the med that they told me about a week ago that they didn’t want to try because it can thicken secretions. Well I figured after asking many moms about it to give it a shot. Who knows, it could work. So he was started on that at a low dose and we will probably have to increase it tomorrow as I don’t notice any change yet.
Friday. A HORRIBLE day! Chest doctor was here and asked why the echo had not been ordered. I said that I talked to complex yesterday and they told me that you were satisfied because of A’s echo in November. Boy was she angry!! She told me that she never said that and has placed it in the notes three times that she wants one done!!! She then opened to the last note she had wrote and asked if he knew how to read?! LOL I told her that she needed to talk to him because I was tired of always getting different answers from different doctors. Kind of crazy if you ask me! Things like this just should NOT be happening!!!!!
Then around 2pm I went to lay him down for his nap. Well he was NOT doing well. He started into one of his fits and it lasted almost an hour. Thank goodness that his favorite nurse was on and she is so wonderful with him. I was getting VERY emotional. I am just so tired of seeing him so blue so often. I left to go to the washroom quick and when I was coming back I saw his NP. I told her that I wanted a probe done because I think he is still having issues with reflux and that I was tired of them sitting around not doing anything when A is obviously struggling! She said we could talk as a team on Monday to see if the probe was necessary. I told her that it was because either way I wanted to know IF he was refluxing still. I mean it is obvious that the fundo is working but he has not had a g tube in two years so it IS possible that he just cannot handle g tube feeds.
I went home on Friday night because Aunt K and Grandma S were coming down so that we could go and get Kelly’s dress for the wedding on Saturday. I really did not want to leave but felt comfortable knowing he was well taken care of with Jordana.
Saturday went well for dress shopping and now just two left to get. We drove down here on Saturday in the nasty nasty snow but luckily we got here before the worst of it came.
Today is A’s 8 month hearing age!!! And to top this post off with the best news yet…..the complex care team is switching over tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am ecstatic! Can you tell? LOL
Well nothing new is really happening here. I went home on Thursday night and didn’t come back until Sunday morning! I wasn’t planning on staying that long but the nurses that I had on were wonderful and knew that I needed the break. It will be eight weeks tomorrow that we have been here! And really we aren’t much further ahead than when we started. The only real change has been the fundo and g tube placement. I have to tell you again how impressed I am with how well he is doing with this! I was so anti fundo and it has truly been awesome!
I was able to book the photographer and the DJ while I was home (whole reason I went home) so I don’t have to worry anymore about that. I can’t wait until the day that I get married!!! J and I have been through SO SO SO much together and we have been able to overcome all the bumps in the road. And to top it off we have the most AMAZING son in the world who has changed our lives in ways that we never could have imagined!! Good and bad LOL
So I am waiting to see IGT to discuss more about the botox. And there is one guy in particular that I know in IGT and he is NOT going to be anywhere near A for the botox. He had issues putting a gj tube in and *I* had to tell him that it wasn’t right. So there is NO way that he is injecting botox into saliva glands!!!
I also spoke yesterday for quite a while to A’s nurse practitioner. I told her once again that I would really really like to see genetics. I remember this coming up a LONG time ago when we were in the NICU but it never came to anything. And I have been bugging since we have been here. So finally she agreed to it because there IS the possibility Ashton could have some sort of genetic mutation which means that if I was to have another child they could have the same issues. And I told her that I know a few moms that didn’t get things looked into until they had their second child who started to present with the same issues as the first. I also said that I would be pretty upset if this were the case when I had asked to see genetics many many times. I want to be able to make an informed decision. Now I truly hope that this isn’t the case but maybe genetics might help us lead in a way that could be helpful.
Please say a special prayer for our little friend Ryan…he is on life support and not doing well. He was born at 28 weeks and was just diagnosed in September with mito.
After set up for the sleep study…
I love how curious he is now!
Cuddles with Vickie…
February 25th with NPT tube…
Well it has been quite a week. I am sorry that I have not posted a recent update but I am just so tired of putting negative things on here. Seems A can never catch a break.
So the NPT tube that he had put in on Monday came out Tuesday morning. It didn’t help him at all and if anything it made him worse. The doctor wanted to leave it in until the afternoon (probably so he could see for himself that it wasn’t working) but I told him that if he didn’t get an RT in to take it out then I was taking it out. The RT was there within about ten minutes. He told me that if it was helping that I would definitely see the change. He said it is pretty amazing when it does work because the kids go from desatting to nothing. No such luck for A.
Wednesday I didn’t see ONE doctor all day. I did take some time out for myself because A had one of his favorite nurses on. So I took the streetcar down to a huge scrapbooking store to get some things for my wedding invitations that I will be making. It was nice to get away and do something that I wanted to do.
Thursday. Big team meeting. I have to tell you it was probably one of the hardest meetings that I have been to. There is nothing like walking into a room full of people staring at you and talking about your child. So the plan right now is that we are going to try the botox in his saliva glands. Because this has to be done under sedation I asked if they would do a CT scan of his chest at the same time. They said they would but warned me that it probably wasn’t going to give them clear answers and if anything it would probably complicate things. They also told me that one CT scan equals about 250 x-rays so to think about the radiation.
There was talk of sewing up his vocal cords so that he can’t pool secretions in his airway and of course the trach but all the docs there agreed that this would not be the next step. Those are life changing decisions that no one is comfortable making right now.
Long story short, the doctors really don’t feel that there is going to be an answer for A. And like they said, they can keep doing test after test after test but as they go it just gets more invasive and unfair to A. They were pretty positive that if there was an easy answer for what he is doing they would have found it. I am really starting to believe that.
Things got pretty emotional near the end when we had talked about everything. They said that they think we need to get A home within two weeks and let him live his life here instead of in the hospital. No one said anything in too many words, but I don’t think anyone in that room thinks that A is going to be around for a long time. Just the words they were using and the looks on their faces. This is REALLY tough for me to swallow. I don’t know what I would do without A. He is everything to me and I don’t want to be planning his funeral anytime soon. The thought of not having him here brings me to tears. It makes me feel SO angry inside. I know I shouldn’t think negative but it is hard not to. I am pretty good at reading people and this is what I felt at the meeting. I came home last night because I have some things to do here for the wedding and I just wanted to go back after an hour of being here. Just looking at his toys makes me cry. I can’t even go in his room without crying so his bedroom door is closed.