Well my little man is sick again. It started last weekend with him not sleeping very well and having a lot of desats. Sunday night we started him on oxygen which seemed to help so I figured he was just needing some extra support. It wasn’t really until Wednesday that he started with the coughing, going off colour a lot more and just not being himself. When he got up that morning he was not looking well at all. Daddy cuddled with him on the couch and when I happened to come in the room after about fifteen minutes and look over at A he just looked BAD. I went upstairs to get his monitor and he had very low sats that would not come above 60. I got the nasal prongs out and put him on oxygen and that really helped him. I called his doctor here in town but they could not see him until yesterday.
Grandma and I took him in for 1pm and A did not want to be there. He was also tired as I had just woke him up before we left. He was going off colour and the doctor did not like what he was seeing. I have to add that this doctor has seen A go off colour MANY times and never ONCE has he been concerned like he was yesterday. I really think that he received a letter from Sick Kids about how we were treated the last time that we were in Guelph emergency.
Anyways, he told me that he wanted me to take A to Toronto or to Hamilton emerg and have him seen there. I started crying of course because I absolutely HATE hospitals and it just was the last thing that I wanted to deal with. It breaks my heart every time that we go there and they have to poke and poke him for IVs. He suffers SO much and there are times where I really just can’t do it to him.
Anyways, we ended up leaving the doctors with a note that I was to give to the emerg doctor telling him about what he saw while we were there. I was very upset because it is always the same old thing when we go. People rush around like mad when they see A’s oxygen sats but as soon as they hear that he has a history of them it is like they don’t give a crap. Very frustrating as a mom but I cannot lie to them as all of these hospitals have record of A.
We came home and I called his team at Toronto Sick Kids. The NP that I deal with did not feel that A was at the point of needing admitting. We had put on his Wonder Pets for him and he was only on half a litre satting 100. He was smiling and just not seeming sick enough for me to want to deal with emerg doctors on a long weekend. After speaking to her I decided that I was just going to keep him home.
We had a nurse on last night and she said that A had a pretty good night. He was restless between 3-6am but other than that he was satting well and sleeping well.
I have had to do some suctioning and for once in my life I am actually getting things up and out of there! Makes it much easier for me to do it knowing that I am helping him.
Today he woke up not so happy and I thought we would be heading into emerg today but once I got him dressed and settled he was fine. We went for a nice long walk and he went down for a nap at 3pm and is still sleeping soundly now at 5:30pm. I have the compressor on with a mask near his face and he has not dipped below 90 once.
I just hope and pray that things get better for him before they get worse. I don’t know why on Earth he keeps getting sick so much this year. It is the crappiest year of my life EVER! He has only been home now for just over three weeks from his last ordeal and I really don’t know if I can handle being in there again so soon. I keep wondering when we are going to catch a break around here and have good things happen?
In other A news, we started speech therapy on Tuesday. He will go every Tuesday for eight weeks to start off. It was interesting but I really do wonder how speech therapy works with a child that is non verbal and very stubborn?! We’ll just have to see how it goes.
These were taken March 25th…I had been feeding him and his extension came undone so the food went everywhere!
Look at what he did with physio last week!!!!! First time EVER!!!!!!!!!
Is he not just amazing?!?!?!?!?!
I have been getting a lot of emails from people all over the Internet asking how I am doing since losing H. It was two weeks ago tonight that I went into labor with him. I can hardly believe that fourteen days have gone by. There are times when I am so heartbroken and just cry and cry. And then there are other times that I just feel like everything wasn’t even real. I just wish I knew WHY it happened.
I have been doing pretty well though I think this past week. I have started a blog for Hunter, more of a diary for me to write my thoughts and feelings. I have always been a big person for writing a journal and I think this has really helped me already in dealing with my grief. It helps to get it out. It is a private blog that only I can get into right now but in time I may open it up to some of you that would really like to read it. Let me know if you are interested.
I have also contacted my social worker that I have dealt with on and off since A came home from the NICU. She will be coming next week to talk. She is a wonderful lady and it really helps me to talk to her. I have not seen her since before our wedding so there are a lot of things to talk about.
I also wanted to say thanks to those moms in my Internet world that have been there for me and talked very openly with me about losing their babies. It always helps to talk to others that have been through it. Makes you understand that you are not the only one. That you are not to blame. You guys know who you are!!!! Huge hugs to all of you!!!
Another thing. People seem to be so afraid of asking me how I am when they see me. Afraid of saying anything really. Do NOT be afraid. I want to talk about H. I want to remember him. When people “ignore” asking me anything I feel like he didn’t matter. I know that is not what people intend at all but it hurts me more to hear nothing than to hear something else.
I don’t want to hear that God wanted it this way. I don’t want to hear that it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t want to hear that God doesn’t give me more than I can handle. I don’t want to hear that he is in a better place. I don’t want to hear that I am young and still have lots of time to have babies. I don’t want to hear that I can always adopt. I don’t want to hear that we are supposed to have an angel. These are all things I have heard yes. And honestly it drives me mad.
Actually, this makes me think of a poem I read on the Internet. Here it is:
Don’t Tell Me
Please don’t tell me you know how I feel, unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal, because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place, though it is true, I want him here with me,
Please don’t tell me someday I’ll see his face, beyond today I cannot see,
Please don’t tell me it is time to move on, because I will never be there same,
Please don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone, because denial is something I cannot stop,
Please don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I even had, because I wanted more,
Please don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me, that you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my thoughts, you can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name, because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I will never be the same, but if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
I cannot believe as I sit here typing this that it is almost exactly one week ago that our sweet H was born. It is 8pm. Exactly a week ago right now I was trying to sleep. A, daddy and grandma S had gone out to the store to get some food for dinner. I had just talked to Andrea. Told her that I didn’t think I would last until Wednesday. My body ached. Everywhere. I thought it was because I was so tired. I had only slept the night before for about three hours. I was exhausted. I could not go to sleep no matter how tired I was. No matter how long I laid there. I had a few pains in which I thought were contractions. Didn’t really think much of them though as I didn’t really expect to go into labor at all.
I cried in bed and just asked God WHY I had to make such a hard choice on whether or not to continue with the pregnancy that Friday afternoon. It was bad enough that I had my water break and I didn’t think it was fair that I had to choose what to do. I begged to take it out of my hands. And He did this. At 10:30pm I went into labor.
My heart is just aching. Just when I think I have no tears left to cry, I cry more. Yesterday was pretty tough for me. At 10am I was supposed to be going for my 20 week ultrasound. To check and make sure that the baby was doing well. But instead I was ordering H’s urn.
I went up to the washroom last night and just broke down. It was a week ago last night that my water broke in the bathroom at about 8:45pm. Every time I go into the bathroom it is like I see it all over again. Amniotic fluid all over the floor. Seeing myself screaming NO over and over, seeing myself crying and pleading with God to not do this to me. Just not memories that I want to keep but yet I know they will be with me forever.
I know that one day my heart will feel less pain. I know that one day this will get easier. I know that I will get through this. But all of this does NOT make it any easier right now. PLEASE, I need to grieve. I don’t need people telling me all of these things over and over. And honestly I don’t think this is anything that someone can try to comprehend unless they have been there. I know lots of moms that have lost babies (and some children) but I never in a million years understood exactly what they thought or felt until now. And all I have to say is that it is the last thing that I ever would have dreamed of feeling.
If you would like, go here and
for my sweet babyboy.
I love you H. Always remember that.
It is with great sadness that I announce that I went into labor Friday night at about 10:30pm. By 11pm it was very hard labor so we headed into the hospital. At exactly 12:00am on Saturday March 28th our baby boy H Jeffrey was born. He is now our angel in heaven. He weighed 225 grams and was absolutely perfect, beautiful and peaceful.
We were able to hold him and have our time with him until almost 4am. It was so nice to cuddle him, talk to him and tell him how sorry I was that this had to happen. The hardest part was handing him over to the nurse and leaving the hospital without him.
We now have an angel to watch over us. Rest in peace sweet baby H. We love you.
Your mommy, daddy and big brother A.
If you would like to leave your comments please go here as the funeral home will be printing these out for us to keep.
In Memory of H Jeffrey S